the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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