Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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