3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
