make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
