Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
