you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
