Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
