she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
