she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
