Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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