I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
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