I'm going to jail i love you
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
