I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
