The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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