Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
