I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
