Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
