Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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