Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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