i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
