he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
my shit smells like andre
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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