I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
