well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
