last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
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and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
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Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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