I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
