I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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