The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
