When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i drank out of a bidet.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
