Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Two words: nipple clamps
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