you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
