How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
