No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
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My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
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Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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