I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize
