Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
