I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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