I haven't been this sober since birth.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
