So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
im about as happy as oj after his trial
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why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
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Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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