there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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