I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
We're like a lot better than the average bears
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
