I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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