Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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