You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
