if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Randomize
