I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
