I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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