When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
