my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
