I faked an abortion last night.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
