as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Ketchup is God's man juice
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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