Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
