Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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