The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
