I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
