all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
