Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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