please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
